I’m really tired of the Stigmas around mental illness. So here’s my personal translations for severe depression and addiction. (These are thankfully old past experiences and thoughts)
1. You’re Weak- I’m covered in self inflicted injuries, I can’t stop thinking about horrible things and have had no sleep. But I’m still in work being professional.
2. You’re Attention seeking- I’m actually terrified and not in control of my emotions. I need help, I don’t understand that my actions and reactions are off.
3. You’re a Victim- I live with my abuser, it’s me. Emotional, mental and physical. I can’t stop and people say it’s my fault. I can’t shake the guilt I feel.
4. You’re an Asshole- It’s easier to have people hate me, they won’t interfere. Then I’m free to do whatever I want to myself. I do it to prove to myself why I hate myself. I do it because I’m angry at the world because I have to suffer. I don’t see everybody does. I do it because they don’t understand how little I’m holding on. One word can destroy me. (Sometimes you are just an asshole or black out drunk) People understandably hate you, they might rightfully never forgive you. You did your job well.
5. You’re Sad/Lonely- People tell you to cheer up, that you can be a buzz kill. You drink too much to compensate. Drunk you is more fun. You take more and more risks to feel alive. Drunk you really isn’t fun anymore. You don’t trust yourself around others. Being and drinking alone is easier, free of judgement. You drink to feel better. But it makes everything worse. So you drink more. Now you are dependent. Company isn’t needed.
6. You’re Selfish- I’m totally focused on survival or if what I’m doing is worth anything to anybody. I’m literally questioning my reality, my worth. I don’t really want to be here and need a reason not to be. I do all this while acting ‘normal’. I’m surprised if anyone shows concern. Because I know they don’t really care. I don’t trust anyone, they’ll be happy when I’m not here. People caring or being close to me makes what I’m doing to myself real and painful. I don’t like that. I should avoid them… Unless they have any beers? Alcohol and distraction have become more important than the people I care about.
7. You’re Dangerous- I’m a puppy dog, I might yell, be emotional and then say sorry. But I wouldn’t hurt you. But I’m very dangerous to myself. What I do to myself is shocking and sadistic. I believe people are right that I’m weak so I torture myself to be stronger, it doesn’t work. But fighting myself and the pain does work. Understanding I’m not broken works. But the shame and the guilt make it hard to live with it, with myself. It starts the cycle over again. I have to take responsibility and forgive the person in the mirror for it to stick. I have to relearn how to think, how to act and react. It’s the only choice I have to feel and be better as a person. I have to remember I was ill.